Just want to cry for hours...

(This is written after we left the village...we went to the capitol city to meet with some families doing OneStory projects and for a break...)

The home group thing went well tonight- but basically, right now, I just don’t enjoy being around believers or something….I can’t figure it out. I felt very alone tonight- even amidst other Workers. I heard them talking about how they wish certain restaurants would come to the city and how they take advantage of the nice things of the city, and I felt very strange for ‘not liking’ or not fully enjoying them. I didn’t say anything, just observed and listened, but felt out of the loop and the odd one out. I do enjoy ice cream etc, it’s just not where I’d prefer to be- is that wrong? No. Do I need to work on really enjoying being here, yeah, probably….but is it okay to miss the village too? Yeah, but not to the point where I can’t fully enjoy these things….? Back and forth. I did certainly gain from the story tonight (David’s lesson from Nathan!), but didn’t necessarily gain from the fellowship…

Anyway….I feel like God IS working on me, and it’s good, but it’s hard too…and I don’t truly want to face it I think…..ugh…..

Even though the situation with our project REALLY ISN’T that big of a deal, and these questions that are coming up (to live in the city or the village being the main one), are coming up at a good time, I feel like I’m blaming a lot of my frustration on that. I had tears in my eyes when they were discussing some stuff with us. It's hard to think we may not be able to live in the village...

But then I ask, “Are you willing to live wherever and do whatever for this project?” I say “yes”- and realize that yeah, the village may not be the best place….although I’d imagine we’d be taking trips out there and probably to other villages too. I don’t know – it’s all just unknown and “out of my control” which you know I don’t like. It always amazes me that I like to be in control and perfectionist- and in that way, how in the world did I end up here and in this work? Where nothing is certain, everything is out of my control, nothing is perfect, etc…

UGH- I just want to cry for hours and be away from everyone for a week- I don’t remember a time when I’ve felt like this before….or what to do to get out of it. I’m glad you’re there…and email works. I’m really fine- please don’t worry….on the surface things are good….you and God are the only ones who know that I could use some extra prayer right now!!!

Anyway, have a wonderful day.

~ Elizabeth