Falling in love...(Journal Entry)

I’m afraid I’m falling in love with these people. I’m afraid I’m really enjoying living life here. I’m afraid I am allowing myself to be so caught up with things here I may not remember life back home. I’m afraid I might want to live here for a longer period of time. I’m afraid of what that might mean for me, what I might be committing to if that were the case…I’m afraid of what my parents would think and say. I’m afraid to even share it with anyone, because I myself don’t know what lies ahead and I want to be available for whatever my Father may call me to.

Why am I afraid? I think because of something Mommy said…I’m afraid that all of the sudden I won’t love these people. I won’t enjoy life and won’t be caught up with things here. I will actually not want to engage the work here and will want to return home. Yes, I know that might happen…and yes, I’m afraid of that too…I guess, I’m afraid because the more I like it and the more I fall in love with the people here, the worse it will be when I fall “out of love” with them. Mommy has also said that I’m a one-tract/100% person. I can do lots of things at one time, but when it comes down to it, if I’m doing more than one thing at a time, I can’t do any one thing well. I have to be able to focus my energies on one task, one place, one people. I need to be free to do that- and I feel like I can do that here.

We just returned from the “jungle” the forest, carrying small bundles of branches on our heads! The village people of course, carry HUGE bundles, but they gave us little ones because the path is curvy and we might slip and fall. I did slip a few times, but didn’t fall. My arms are sore, I’m pretty dirty (in spite of the bath I took this morning!). My clothes, which I had also just put on this morning, are now dirty too. (Generally, I can go nearly a week without a bath, and my clothes too can go about that long!). Hmm…and I love it here? Call me strange… “annakasai” is the Kahani word for strange. It was my favorite word the first two weeks we were here! I think I now fit that category.

Another thing I’m afraid of is that I will love these people and this culture so much I will do everything and anything to “Fit in." But, no matter what, I never will. That thought nearly brings tears to my eyes. I know it shouldn’t. God made me different, for purposes I don’t even know yet…but still, I long to know their language, their culture, their way of life. And yet no matter how hard I try, no matter how long I stay here, no matter what I do or say, I will never know their language or their culture or their way of life fully. And that’s okay. Part of me screams out, “no it’s not!!!!” But the sane part of me says, “yes it is…do what you can, but accept it and don’t dwell on it!”

I find myself laughing a lot more these days…Robin seems to be laughing a lot too. Having someone to share things with, and who laughs at cultural things that could otherwise be frustrating can bring one great joy! This is a quality my future husband should have. He should be able to laugh a lot at situations that might otherwise be annoying or frustrating – but then also have wisdom to know when not to laugh! A fine line I’m finding…but still, when you’re on the laughing side, it’s great!

Anyway, I’m thankful that I am enjoying life here! Like I wrote to my brother, I’m not sure how long it will last- but I pray that it lasts for a long time, if not forever…I pray that you, Lord continue to give me grace and mercy to really love these people with your love. I pray that you show me what purpose you have for me as I live here – not just in these two years, but in the years to come…May I be open to your plans for me, whatever they may be. I love you Jesus. Amen.

P.S. I feel so distraught. I feel so torn. I feel like this can’t be the same world as America- my “home.” I feel like how can these two very different places exist in the same universe? I feel so afraid of going back “home” even now, only six months over here. How will I feel in 2 years? I feel so strange right now- as if I’m really in a dream. It’s a good dream, but part of me feels that I’ll wake up at some point and be back to “normal” life. It won’t be a bad thing that I woke up, it will just be a fact of life. How can this be anything other than a dream? It’s so different, so strange, so opposite to what I would consider “normal” and yet if I was to go back “home” right now, would I feel that those things were “normal” or would I feel that most of those things are a waste? What would my attitude be?

I know that American world exists, more than I know this one does, and yet…what will my attitude be when I return? Ahh!!! Lord, could you be calling me to live here- perhaps even in this village? Or at least in this “other world?” How can that be? I know I asked you for that, and I do think I ‘want’ it, but it just seems so strange to me- how I can even live life here and function and actually enjoy it…Again, it scares me! Lord, please guide me; give me wisdom and most of all, give me faith. Faith to trust you tonight, tomorrow, this week, month, year and with my life. Whatever lies ahead, help me to have faith in you, knowing you will accomplish your perfect plan...

What an amazing place I’m in right now…what an amazing assignment you have given me…what an opportunity to know you more through what you’ve called me to do.

And then, there is the picture of all my friends back “home” on the desktop of my computer. What about them? Have I forgotten so quickly about them? What will become of them- who will tell them? Who will take care of them? I have established a relationships with them…was that all in vain? Was that just to help prepare me for this work? No, I can’t belive that…God is working in their lives…who will be there to answer their questions (not that I could!). I pray there would be others to care for them....and yet...How can I pray that? Don’t I want to be the one? Don’t I want to go back home and be there to tell them? I feel guilty or wrong in many ways, but somehow the answer is “no” I don’t. Why? Why not? Of course you want to go back, of course you want to be with them? They are your friends!!! It is as if my heart is being pulled very strongly in two opposite directions…but- at least right now, the tug is stronger here. And, I did leave them to come here in the first place- how that happened, I’m not sure!

As the Lord gave me strength and a love for them while I was there, perhaps He is giving me strength and love for these people here, while I’m here. Does that mean I will go to yet another place to serve Him one day? I know the answer is most likely! And I know He will not only give me the strength and grace to go there, but also the love for those people when I get there. I wonder if I will run out of energy and love at some point? I’m glad that my Father’s love never runs out and that I can get “re-filled” from Him daily!