Palm trees, mountains shooting up out of the water, the backdrop of mountains behind the beach, the birds flying, the crabs crawling, the boats on dry land, but only until the tide comes in again. Young Thai people playing “football” (soccer). A family, father, mother and daughter look for shells on the beach together. Some people get massages, other ride bikes, while still others relax by the pool.
Yes, I’m here at my “vacation” observing the sights and sounds. Now, all of the above is happening- even in spite of the weather- I only saw the sun for about 1 hour this weekend.
But, the rain didn’t stop me from doing a bunch of different things- renting a motorbike, going into the city...I'm here taking a few days in another city in Thailand by myself before heading to training in Thailand.
You know I think I want to avoid it all- yes, it’s nice to be pampered, and nice to eat whatever you want, pretty much whenever you want. It’s nice to wear whatever you want, speak your own language- all of the time…have instant access to internet, a bank machine, be able to pay for things with your visa card, enjoy ice cream- and have a variety of options of flavors to choose from.
Somehow it all seems too nice. Or something. You know, I’ve been to Thailand three times, and I still can’t figure out what my mind goes through while we’re here. In one way it’s impossible to even allow my home, my life, my personality from India enter into this life. And on the other hand, everything here is so “NICE” compared to there, that I do think about it and realize how little we have there, but how content I have learned to be. But then, to what extent do I enjoy ourselves here? Anyway, am I guilty for enjoying my vacation? Should I feel wrong for having a watermelon fruit shake three days in a row, when back in Kahan, the options for juice would exist, but would involve a lot of work.
I feel like God is doing a ton of stuff in my life, my heart, my mind- but I can’t seem to figure any of it out- am I supposed to?
How does one deal with this going back and forth between cultures? Cultures that are similar in a few ways, but very different in most. And is it that they are really so different, or is it that my attitude shifts when I’m in Thailand, and just sees this as this perfect place, where as my home in "Kahan," is…well, not perfect.
I know Thailand has it’s problems and even I have issues when I’m here…
I really can’t figure it out- and what is it that I am even trying to figure out? Why this paradox life…Thailand vs. India? Yeah, something like that…how I can one day be sitting in a sleeveless shirt, with electricity powering my computer- knowing it won’t go out unless there is a tsunami(unlikely), with the ability to order food if I want, or go out if I want- no need to be back by a certain time, no need to worry that my actions might indicate something wrong...
One of the girls did say that for her Thailand means “Freedom.” She does work in a Muslim context, but still, maybe that’s part of it for me too. Freedom. Freedom to choose, to do, to say, to be, to go….
Perhaps one day I’ll figure it out…or maybe the thing God wants me to realize and accept is that it can’t be figured out. It is His world, if I could figure it all out, then He wouldn’t have been the one to make it…? Should I learn to be content not understanding this whole thing? Perhaps for now, since I can’t seem to crack it. Maybe later, after visiting other countries, I can figure it out more…
But you know, it’s not about "fitting in." Yesterday, when I was riding my motorbike, I thought, "you know, I can “Fit” in Thailand. I can “Fit” in India. I think I can still “fit” in America." But honestly, I don’t “FIT IN” anywhere. I can do the Thailand thing, the India thing, and I hope I can still do the American thing. But is that enough? Do I need to go further and embrace where I am? But then when I leave, I will just get hurt? Unless, I have a more heavenly perspective…realizing this isn’t my home.
It’s been said before, but I am understanding more and more that this is not our home- and it doesn’t matter where we are, He is there…It doesn’t matter where we’re going- He is there. It doesn’t matter how many times we say goodbye, He is there. It doesn’t matter what we wear, what we eat, how we walk, what we say, who we’re with, He is there too…
And He wants us to realize that in this amazing world, He is there…and He is in Heaven, waiting for us to come home…that is after the work He has called us to do is completed…and that means, completed by His standards…which are often higher at times, and lower at times than our own…
Lord, help me to have more of an eternal perspective and not try and get caught up in the things I can’t figure out down here on earth.
No comments:
Post a Comment