This is impossible. (Journal Entry)

You and I were made to worship
You and I were called to love…
You and I are forgiven and free…
You and I will see, who we were meant to be.
~ Chris Tomlin

I have forgotten this…I was made to worship…am I worshipping you, Lord? Or am I completing a task for you?

This work is draining. When I was in America, teaching non-English speaking middle school students who might have no idea who might be sleeping with their mom that night, or who come to school only to escape the abuse they receive at home, or try to skip school to avoid the abuse from their classmates, in a city where drugs and sex are not uncommon terms for young teenagers- that was easy compared to the work I am doing now. Yes, each has it’s ups and downs, but I have to say, this has more to overwhelming than anything else I’ve ever done.

And right now, I’m wondering just how it will all get done. We’ve only been back 4 days, and I’m already exhausted. I haven’t even had a storying session with Anne, and I’m tired of it. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get motivated? Language study went okay today, but still, I’m not looking forward to it much this week. There is just so much to learn in order to get where I need to be. Yes, yes, little by little it will come. True. But, who has patience for that? In the midst of looking for someone who speaks English and Kahani- being told today by several people it would be impossible to find someone like that.

Is this impossible, Lord? I know Satan wants me to believe it is. I know it is not…but…still, I doubt. Still I have such small faith, that I’m faltering to see what you could do through this…Lord, give me your strength- physically, but even more than that, strength to fully put my faith in you. Father, forgive me for not lifting these people and this project up to you more.

Father, we have met people- you have provided. And I know you will do it again. Lord, I wonder, can Precious do more back-translating? I mean, we tried once with her…should we try again? We have to try, right? Or maybe we shouldn’t waste our time. Something I'm learning is that sometimes, you have to move on to other people, not continue investing where there is nothing that will come of it.

The question is, in which situation do you keep trying and in which situation do you make the decision to move on? Tricky.

Lord, I wonder what time Anne will come tomorrow- we said 9:30. I’m not expecting her til after 10. Father, I don’t even know what story to do.

There is so much to this project…really, a ton to do- and my energy is nearly depleted already. I feel like I should have more energy than I do right now. Why don’t I? There is so much to do, I need to start doing it! And I am, we are…but still…we should look and look for a back-translator…going every where til we find one…? Right? Perhaps we should pray more…

Lord, please give me more faith…and energy to press on- and Lord, please do not let me be discouraged by not having everything fall into place…No one said this work would be easy…no one said it would happen in a day…no one said we could do it on our own…may I remember that…