Not enough time in the day.

November 29, 2006

Somehow even though there are 24 hours in a day, so far, very little has been accomplished- why? I’m not sure. I have noticed myself being REALLY tired in the evenings- and I’m pretty sure it’s from being surrounded by Kahani/Hindi for most of the day- and actively participating, trying to understand. My brain is just tired. And some of that energy is being spent being frustrated why I can’t understand/speak more.

Can I get up earlier to study? Can I stay up later? Maybe I should fast more- to have time to myself? Actually, I’m going to start fasting once a week- I would start tomorrow, Thursday- that is the day many Kahani people fast. Of course, my motive for fasting shouldn’t be to get away from people, but to get closer to Him…

It seems like I never have enough time to do anything substantial. It seems I get organizing done, and other random little things- but never big things- never studying, never reading through the testing results, never listening to Anita’s aunt and trying to decipher her answers, never reading a book for more than 2 minutes, never replying very much to any email, never learning the story until the last minute…

And you know what- it seems like it’s not just here and now that this has happened, but for many years. I think when I taught at George Read Middle I was like this too- always organizing, re-aranging the classroom, but never planning lessons. Always gathering materials to use, but never figuring out how to present them to the class. Always making notes, but never following up on them. Was I like this in college and high school? I think perhaps I was. Planning out when to study, but rarely doing it- and if I did, I’d have to take a break every few minutes. Always starting a paper, and never rewviewing it- thank goodness for Mommy always doing that for me. Always getting the books out of the library, but never reading them. And yet, when I set my mind to something I do it completely, and to the best of my ability...

I don’t know why, but I’m finding it more frustrating now than ever before.

Yes, living life here takes longer somehow. I had to get stitches taken out- those things take time, and yes, I’m somehow really tired today. Somehow, I just feel like the whole day goes by, and I’ve done nothing that really matters- nothing that will make a dent in the work we have. We have so much to do- yet almost a whole week is going to go by, and what have we done towards reaching the goal? NOTHING!!!!!!! Okay, a tiny bit- about 5 hours of work (the testing with Anita’s aunt). Average 1 hour a day. Um…somehow I don’t feel that’s enough. Okay, some language time has been in there too…but still…

And yet, as I write this I don’t feel like saying, “Okay, then why don’t you get busy and start doing something then?” I just don’t feel very motivated…partly because it’s cold, and the other part- because…well, honestly, it seems to daunting….and yes, the more I let it grow, the more daunting it will become- I must start in, and take little steps towards climbing the mountain of work. I must press forward- I can’t wait here in the camp any longer.

Father, please, please be with Robin and me in our meeting tonight. You know that I haven’t prepared as I probably should have. You know that we both have ideas of things to try and do, and neither of us knows what’s best. You know that my heart is in the village- and after talking with many people, it seems like that’s where I should go- not just for my heart’s sake, but for the project. Help me to be accepting of her ideas too- help us both to be honest with each other- but firm if we need to be.