"What's next for me..." (Email to Parents)

Mommy and Daddy,

Just real quick, I know I said on the phone last night that I see home just as ‘what’s next for me’ but that wasn’t exactly what I meant.

I will say that on the plane from Bangkok to our capitol city, there was no place I wanted to be more than home. Just sitting, with Daddy on the lawn chairs outside, or even on the couches in the family room. Honestly, I was like, “at least I know those people I never really have to say goodbye too. Somehow they will always be there, no matter what. And I already know them completely (as completely as you can know someone), it’s not like you have to get to know them all over again…though I suspect I will to some extent when I get home. But that was what I felt pretty much the whole flight, wanting MORE THAN ANYTHING to be home.

The desire to be home is STRONG. And I do see it as ‘what it next.’

I think what I mean by that was that, in my mind, ‘home’ (DE), is temporary, it’s like a transit place somehow now. And actually, for that matter, so is the rest of the world. What is the real definition of “home”….whether 17 Laour street matan should be temporary in my mind or not, it many ways it feels like that…

The ‘what’s next’ in my mind applies more to the next project, the next country, the next people group….not the in-between time of being home. And, yet, I don’t think of ‘home’ as being a place in between either…I am ready to come home, I’m ready to BE HOME, I’m ready to LIVE AT HOME again….REALLY I AM….if I could come home now, I would.

I am having a REALLY hard time finding how to express how I am feeling right now and the emotions of saying goodbyes, and wondering about the future, and even thinking about the past, and trying to live in the present. I am not sure if there is a name for what I’m experiencing or not….and it hurts me that I know you don’t really know what I’m experiencing either. You know ME, so you know a lot of it, but you don’t know the rest of it…which is fine- how could you, you haven’t experienced it. It’s okay, I’m not upset about that, but it’s still really hard to know who to talk to, and even if I knew who to talk to, I can’t find words to describe how I feel….it’s not a happy, sad, right, wrong feeling, it’s just …yeah…I don’t know….

Anyway, I appreciate you just listening, and praying for it….whatever it is….

And though I know you already know this, I’ll say it again. While the past two years for you may not have brought about a ton of changes in your life (though I think it has), my life is VERY DIFFERENT I think from when I left. Yes, it’s still me, and some of me will never change no matter what. But, much of my outlook on life/ministry has been altered….I’m sure you’ve noticed along the way, perhaps even more than I have myself….but still, there are ways I’ve changed that I never could have expected that I don’t even know all the ramifications of yet…

Anyway, just something to try and keep in mind- I say for you, and also for myself…just to keep in mind I may not relate to everything in the same way, I may not respond to things in the same way, I may not like the same things/dislike the same things….and the reason is because of the changes that have come about from the experience of the past 2 years…

Knowing that I’m not the same sometimes can help me understand why I’m reacting to something in a very different way than I might have reacted to it before….anyway…..more to process….more than I have time for….

Oh the joy of old the capitol city train station….here I come. I’ll be leaving in a few hours…..

~ Elizabeth