Lord, you revealed something to me today. I realized that the reason I wrote the following email to Pastor Strumbeck (at home)….
Recently, I’ve wondered if I really place a high enough importance/value on the life change that happens when you follow Him. Perhaps it’s because I never had to make a great life change or dramatic turn around to follow Him. I know I take my faith for granted so much. I also have been wondering how much turning to Him would really change some of my friend’s lives.
These thoughts were sparked by a conversation I was having with our company’s country’s director. He used to live in the city I live in, and made a comment about our house-helper becoming a believer and how hard it would be for her/how many changes she’d have to make, etc. I responded with, “I don’t think it would look that different, or be that difficult for her.” I tried to humbly share with him (who spent 7 years in the city I live in) how Panna (our house-helper) doesn’t do her prayers to hindu gods, she doesn’t take part in a lot of the religious ceremonies involved in her so-called religion. A large part of it is probably because when it comes to push and shove she barely has enough money for rice and daal to feed her 6 kids let alone buying new lights for the temple in their home. Actually, now that I think about it, even though I’ve been there several times and even spent the night there, I’m not sure they have an actual place for their temple (like most, if not every other Hindu I know). Anyway, for her to start praying to Jesus…what changes would there be? Not many, from what I can tell. I shared this with my mom and she brainstormed with me for a bit about it, saying that maybe the outside things wouldn’t be dramatic, but the peace that He brings would be.
But still, I have this doubt that it would really be that big of a deal. Sometimes it seems the stories and our relationships with people are getting somewhere, then we come across something else that looks as if there is no way around it. Honestly, several of our friends/neighbors would say they worship Jesus. They worship Shivjee, Golu, and Krishna too – but they aren’t three separate gods. They are one God- just different names, just different forms. I tell you, Hindus have no problem with the trinity, it’s already built into what they believe. They also have no issues with Jesus being the Son of God, and God. So what is the trigger for them? What is the “barrier” – ‘not to worship other gods?’ Well, how can you say that if there is only one God anyway? That just sounds silly!
I haven’t studied it in depth, but I’ve always thought Hinduism was a more of a polytheistic religion- and perhaps by definition, it could be categorized that way. But, I’ve encountered more Hindus here that actually say they worship one God....
I wrote that, and I felt that becoming a follower wouldn’t really affect Panna’s life, or Heather's or Gina's. But, I've realized the reason I've felt that was is because lately, it hasn’t really affected my life. I have not prayed nearly enough. I have not ready your Word hardly at all. Oh yes, I’ve opened the Bible every day, several times a day….but only for ‘work.’ Only for accomplishing another step in this project. I’ve realized that this project has become more important to me than the salvation of some of my friends…and the reason it’s gained that position is because I’ve let my own walk with Him come to more of a standstill. How can I want something for my friends that I hardly have myself? Of course, it’s not like I’ve “lost” it or anything like that, but the passion, the drive, the purpose is gone. It has really become more about just getting it done.
Oh Father. Forgive me. How could I? How could I become so involved in a project that involves your Word more than anything else I’ve ever done, and yet become so far away from you? How could I be telling your stories, and listening to your stories and talking about stories and yet, not really care if they make a difference in people’s lives? How could I have forgotten the reason I’m here?
I realize now. I realize why I started to have this attitude of not really seeing that trusting in you would affect anyone’s life…oh, how could I? But I did think that. Actually Mommy said, “yeah, but you know that’s not true…” And yes, I KNOW that’s not true, but even after KNOWING that, I still struggled with accepting that it would make a difference. Slowly, just realizing why I even came here in the beginning….it was like, “duh! What drove you here? Why did He die? Have you so quickly forgotten? Have you so quickly given up on His strength and power?"
I guess the answer to those questions was yes. In the morning time this morning at the retreat (at training in Chaing Mai, Thailand), I just prayed, and somehow it came to me, that this was the reason I was thinking this. I guess some of what they said, and questions they asked revealed that my prayer life, not to mention the rest of my relationship with you, was pretty much sinking…And, yeah, if I don’t have it, how can I want others to have it…
Then, after realizing that, and reading verses that proved again why I have this relationship, why God is so great, and wonderful...Just realizing again the JOY that I have/can have in Him. After that I realized that, that JOY, that peace, that realizing of how great and wonderful God is, is what I was saying didn’t matter or wouldn’t make a difference in my friend’s lives. Oh, how could I? Oh, Father forgive me. Oh Jesus, keep me from getting to that point ever again. Ignite a fire in me so passionate for you that no matter what, I never lose that- I never come to the point of thinking it wouldn’t matter if someone followed you or not---even if I know the truth in my heart that it would matter, but the surface feelings or thoughts of ‘how big of a difference would it make’ wouldn’t even creep into my mind. Oh, how the enemy tricks me. And yet, in a way, I feel like putting the blame on him makes it sound like somehow I didn’t do anything wrong. But I don’t want to commit Eve’s second sin of blaming someone else. I am the one who didn’t pray. I didn’t talk with you. I didn’t read your word. I didn’t spend time with you. And….thus, it’s no surprise why I would end up where I was….til today.
You saved me from allowing those thoughts to formulate to the point of really not caring where my friends spend eternity. While perhaps I hadn’t gotten to that point, I wonder if I would have. Oh….Lord, give me strength to hold your hand as you pull me through…
Lord…it’s another topic, but I want to talk to you about it now. Dry Land country. It looks like a trip there could happen- there are all of the sudden a lot of contacts. But, Lord, where do I go? Where do you want me? Who do you want me with? And yet, I think of my friends in Delaware and wonder how effective I could be staying there...
How does one decide where to go/what to do?
Is it based on how effective you would be?
Is it based on what you like to do?
Is it based on what you can do?
Is it based on the need?
Is it based on the environment?
Is it based on your chances of success?
Is it based on your chances of failure?
I think I tend to see things like this: I probably have more chances of developing a relationship with my friends in Delaware and them accepting the Truth than I ever would have with a woman in Central Asia. But, the woman in Central Asia has less chances, if any of hearing about Jesus, whereas my friends in DE have already heard…and will only continue to have more chances. The woman in Centra Asia has no chance or hearing unless someone goes.
Not that I’m trying to decide now…just praying through the thoughts, and ideas…It’s so great to know that YOU KNOW! And I know you! Sweet! Trusting you isn’t so hard since I know you already know everything! :) Lord, you know what I need to know now and what I don’t. I want to know everything, but I know that knowing everything isn’t always best. I’m asking you then, not to tell me everything, but only what you want me to know…what I ‘need’ to know now.
Seemingly separate, but really part of the same issue- show me if instead of Central Asia, I should consider another country, another people group…or even consider coming back to Kahan…Lord, I am yours. I don’t want to just follow another dream- though I believe the dream I had/have for Kahan was from you, but I realize too that my desires were also wrapped up in that. True, you probably won’t send me somewhere I hate, or I really don’t want to be…but, help me to be open to WHEREVER you might want me…help me not just follow my emotions or desires…If Riverland is somewhere you want me to visit before going home…even reveal that to me…or, hey, if you want me to check out somewhere else I haven’t even thought of…show me that….
Lord, you are amazing, awesome and greatest not just among all gods…But you are God, period. There is none other besides you.
I love you!!
~ Amen!
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