What is this dream I'm experiencing? (Journal Entry)

Strangely enough, even though I realized I needed to take more time to be with you, Lord, I haven’t in the past few weeks. I guess I've realized the need isn’t the same as acting on it- but at least it’s the first step.

Anyway, coming back to Kahan this time was really different than any other time I’ve arrived back. Why? I can’t put my finger on it. I really can’t.

It’s like a dream. The capitol city was like a dream too. Not a good dream, but not a nightmare. It was like I was passing through- time was happening, and other people were living their life, but my actions and motions were more or less just occurring- I wasn’t really the agent or controller of what I was doing- it was like I was floating through it. I still feel like that.

I feel unattached to what’s around me. I feel like the language coming out of my mouth is just coming out- I’m not really even thinking about what I’m saying. I feel like I’m getting changed and washing my hair just because it’s what you do- not because I want to or need to. I edited a bunch of stories and printed out all of Heather's stories and made notes on what to change, but don’t really feel like I did it- it just happened, it just got done somehow. I called one of the storying workshop people, but feel like I never really made the phone call- but I did, just 5 minutes ago!

What do you call this feeling? What is this feeling? Is it right, wrong? How did I end up with it, how do you get rid of it? What is the deal?

Let me quote Streams in the Desert May 18th.
“We were under great pressure…so that we despaired even of life. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9)

Pressed beyond measure; yes, pressed to great length;
Pressed so intensely, beyond my own strength.
Pressed in my body, and pressed in my soul.
Pressed in my mind til the dark surges roll.
Pressure from foes, and pressure from dear friends.
Pressure on pressure, til life nearly ends.
Pressed into knowing no helper but God.
Pressed into loving His staff and His rod.
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things.
Pressed into living my life for the Lord.
Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured.

The pressure of difficult times makes us value life. Every time our life is spared and given back to us after a trial, it is like a new beginning. We better understand its value and thereby apply ourselves more effectively for God and for humankind. And the pressure we endure helps us to understand the trials of others, equipping us to help them and to sympathize with them.
Trials and difficult times are needed to press us forwards. They work in the way the fire in the hold of a mighty steamship provides the energy that moves the pistons, turns the engine, and propels the great vessel across the sea, even when facing the wind and the waves.
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1 Corinthians 1:8- “Jesus will keep you strong until the end so that there will be no wrong in you on the day our Lord Jesus Christ comes again.”
2 Thessalonians 3:5- “May the Lord lead your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s patience.”
1 Chronicles 29:15- “Our days on earth are like a shadow.”
Jeremiah 32:27- “I am the Lord, the God of every person on the earth. Nothing is impossible for me.”

Lord, you know the things on my mind. You know what things should be on my mind and what things shouldn’t. You know where my heart is- even if I don’t!

You know I want to write out a list here of all that passes through my mind in a day…but I know you want me to forget all that right now. As the wind blows, you also are blowing around me…how can I catch you?

“You’re everything I cannot see.
You’re everything I cannot say.
I know it all seems so illogical, but that’s okay.
You’re the love you give to me.
You’re the love I give away.
You’re everything impossible, but that’s okay.”
(Lyrics from ‘Everything Impossible’ by MercyMe)

“The plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations” – Psalm 33:11.

Lord- help me to ‘snap out of it’ if I need to do that. This phase, this mode, this feeling is so odd, and so ‘not real’- I feel like things are happening, and even I’m a part of what’s happening, but not really experiencing it, not really living it- or something wacky like that.

I love you Lord…give me wisdom to know how to follow you…and lead others.