I feel pretty miserable right now for several reasons:
1) I’m sick…and can’t hardly move out of bed.
2) The project is pretty much impossible, and we’re going as fast as we can, but it still isn’t fast enough.
3) I feel pretty useless because I’m sick, and I’ve done nothing all week.
4) I also feel pretty lame in learning about the culture and the stories. My language skills are improving for sure- but is the project moving ahead? Which is more important here- that I have great language when we’re all through with this, or that we have a story set completed?
Most of the people I’m working with are just not working out- even Nirmal- Vimal’s brother is a pretty bad story-teller…and his language isn’t the best…I’m not even sure we’ll use him for another story…
One thing I keep coming back to- is what am I really here for? To complete these stories? To grow in my walk with the Lord? To show my neighbors through my interactions with my partner and housemate that we are different because of Jesus? To drive a motorcycle around town? To research B stories? To learn a language? To learn how to survive on not very much?
Well, all those things are certainly benefits of being here- but that is NOT why I am here. I am here, first and foremost to glorify my Father. There are many ways that can happen, but I shouldn't focus on one particular thing or way of doing that- since in South Asia, having only one focus or one way of doing something will always fail you- always good to have a back-up or alternatives. I need to glorify Him when I’m speaking with Panna over chai. I need to glorify him when I am discussing something with Robin. I should glorify Him when I’m studying the language. I should glorify him when I’m working on a story. I should glorify Him when Asha or Anne or others inform us indirectly that they don’t want to help us anymore…I should glorify him when I am sick in bed unable to do anything at all…except praise Him…
Why is it so hard? Because I am so driven by the goal and the purpose, I forget the process, and the reasons we are working toward a goal. I have trouble stopping and resting…and He knows that. And He is giving me a chance to do just that today. Perhaps I would rather I feel better…but He knows if I felt better, I would go and do lots of stuff- and not spent time with Him…
I’m think I’m more frustrated with myself for not resting more, and for not being who He wants me to be and rather just trying to do everything in ‘my own power.’
It’s so hard to not want to just leave right now and go home. This project really is impossible, there is no doubt in my mind now…and so why am I forcing myself through it?
May I pray these words to this song that just came on…and remember that you are indeed with me, leading me…and I can cling to. So easy to say, so hard to act on…
“and step by step you’ll lead me, and I will follow you all of my days.”
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