"I'm not meant for this" (Journal Entry)

You know, maybe I’m not meant for this. Maybe I’m not cut out to do what we’re trying to do…Honestly, I think I get too discouraged when something doesn’t work out the 5th time or the 10th time. I am discouraged and frustrated and feel like it’s impossible.

Do I have what it takes? I know I have something otherwise I wouldn’t have made it this far, but do I have what it takes to really do this and complete this task? This week our story-teller told us she can’t help us anymore…in an indirect way, of course…why can’t these people just be honest with you once in a while?

What is the right direction to go in? Why does everything have to be so unknown? Who in the world would want to help us with this work? Why am I afraid to take chances? If I knew what chances to take, then would I take them?

Father, I feel like I’m giving the enemy a foothold here in expressing all these doubts and fears…but I’m not sure what else to do.

Perhaps I should praise you for what you have already done…
- praise for water coming today
- praise for indeed getting exodus re-recorded today
- praise for having a motorcycle to transport us
- praise for the beautiful weather outside today
- praise for financial support that I’ve never had to worry about
- praise for a supportive family
- praise for support from the local pastors, and encouragement from other questers
- praise for Deepika’s willingness to do more scripture recordings
- praise for uncle’s relationship being somewhat restored, and their invitation for this festival tomorrow.
- Praise for our landlord perhaps finding another person to try back-translating with
- praise for food to eat every night
- praise for the cooler temperatures- and ability to sleep well
- praise for minor health issues, and minor body pain (back and foot)
- praise for language learning…always can be better, but still, praise for what I do have…
- praise for the friendliness of our neighbors- no hostility toward us or our work- even though they may not fully understand what we are doing
- praise for a bed to sleep on
- praise for my little bear that Natalie sent me
- praise for cards and emails from home
- praise for speakers and mp3 players that do work most of the time
- praise for communication via email and phone
- praise for His Word to comfort and direct us
- praise for clothing, and praise for new clothing
- praise for the fun times we have with Panna
- praise for the beauty of the K people when they smile
- praise for the K people when they speak so fast to each other we can’t understand one single word, but they can- how cool is that?
- Praise for tears that keep up humble
- Praise for music to encourage and motivate us
- Praise for the sun shining so we can dry clothes on the roof
- Praise for knitting needles, and crochet hooks
- Praise for ER, Alias, Lost and other shows that we can watch and enjoy each other’s company
- Praise for my prayer calendar on the wall next to me to remind me of all the people upholding me and this work in prayer…
- Praise for tasty cakes, and oatmeal crème pies- so yummy!
- Praise for ability to walk, run, laugh, see, smell, hear
- Praise for the fact that I’m a child of God

Another thing: what is “my best”- am I doing it? Would I know if I wasn’t? What does that look like? And I know it’s different for each person- but what is it for me? And can that sometimes include, doing what I might think of as “nothing?” Or is my “best” mean always doing something? If I’m not doing anything, that isn’t my best, right?

I really wish I knew- Lord, please show me what you want from me…for the work, my relationships with the people, with Robin…from my heart, to yours…what do you want?

I feel like I’m hardly doing anything, mainly because I don’t know where else to look to find people to help us. Where else can I try? Randomly meeting people doesn’t work real well, I’ve tried it, more than once. Should I try again? Okay, fine, but is that a waste of time? Well, you say, if you don’t have anyone else, then why not go for it? What are you waiting for? I don’t know. If I knew it was going to work, I might be more inclined to do it...

Ugh.