Loving here shouldn't mean hating there (Journal Entry)

I’ve realized something about myself…As my thoughts on March 12 state: “The more time I spend here, in this village, with these people, the more I want to be here”- I realized this is true, but not completely true. The more true statement would be: “The more time I spend with these [Indian] people, the more time I want to be with them, and the less time I want to be with American [English] speaking people.

The first part is fine, and wonderful and something to be praised! The more time I spend with these people, the more I want to be with them. And, yes…it is good, and I do praise the Lord…

But the second part of the statement, “the less time I want to be with my housemates/other English speaking people” is not so praiseworthy. I talked briefly to Mommy about it last night and she also said that it was wrong of me to feel this way…and I needed to force myself to be with them even if I didn't like it at first. I do enjoy being with them, but not nearly as much as I enjoy being witht he neighbors and other Indians...Is that wrong? I don't think it’s wrong…but it’s when I neglect the my housemantes or ‘replace’ them with Indians, that it can be dangerous and wrong? I really don’t know. I also wonder if there is ever a good, equal balance…And is it okay to be with one group over the other? God has give us passions and desires…and yes, Satan can use the gifts God gives us to drag us down or to cause us to get in trouble. I realize that today…

Satan has a had a foothold in that area of my life- causing me to think it’s okay to be with Indians and just “be all there” with them- after all that’s what God has called me to- duh, of course I should be with them. But that shouldn't cause me to neglect the other people in my life right now.

I know I have some things to work on in this. And while I know I have lots of other things to work out, the sad thing about this thought is that this sin that I have just now today discovered is not something that has just happened this week or today. It was not a one time occurrence. It is something that has been prevalent in my life probably for about 3 years…

Ugh…that hurts. It has not only been on the surface and doing destruction since we arrived in India, but also back home. I have neglected people, friendships, relationships for the sake of others. One might say, “you can’t be friends with everyone, you have to pick and choose- you were just living life, you can’t do everything…” Right. I agree…but that does not mean to go to the extreme and leave out someone/others. That does not mean that you can use that excuse to be solely involved with one group of people…

In my defense or as someone could say, “Yes, but you have a heart for Indians that is from God- and it’s amazing how you enjoy being with them…that is a good thing.” Yes…it is…and I am thankful for it- but now feel as if I need to be extra careful to not let the Evil one use it against me and the work…

Lord, help me to balance what you have called me to…Help me to not push aside my desire to be with Indians, but help me at the same time not to neglect those you’ve called me to partner with. I do NEED them, and you have graciously given them to me in spite of my ‘lone-ranger’ attitude as Mommy would say.

Wow…I love you Jesus…I’m excited to surrender this to you- and start learning how to live life with more of a joyful attitude in ALL things and when I’m with ALL people. I thank you also for the timing of this conviction…it’s just before Thailand…I was already starting to worry about being with people in Thailand. I honestly was starting to think, “I don’t even want to go. No Indians for a month- how will I survive?” I didn’t even realize that training and being with those other English speaking people can actually help the work with the Indians in the long run!!!

-------I just realized something, you answered my prayer…Yesterday, or two days I go, I remember kind-of muttering a prayer asking you to convict me of my own sin…I remember that. Well…one thing I learned…when you ask God to convict you, watch out! He will!

An Encouragement to me today…I included my own verse at the end…
“In Me” by Casting Crowns

If you asked me to live
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If you asked me to go,
Preach to the lost world that Jesus saves

Pre-Chorus:
I’ll go where I cannot go alone
Cause I know I’m nothing on my own
But the power in Christ in me
Makes me strong.

Chorus:
Cause when I’m weak, you make be strong
When I’m blind, you shine your light on me
Cause I’ll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know you don’t need me.
How amazing to find that you want me
So I’ll stand on your truth and I’ll fight with your strength
Until you bring the victory
By the power of Christ in me.

If you asked me to run
And carry a light into foreign lands
If you asked me to fight
Deliver your people from Satan’s hand

Bridge
To reach out with your hands
See the world with your eyes
To love with the love of a Savior
To feel with your heart
And to think with your mind
I’d give my last breath for your glory

Additional Verse…
If you asked me to stay at home
And be with my family and my own people
If you asked me to speak my own language
And to have a joyful attitude while doing so…
I would do it…I will do it…if nothing else, for your glory…