"I don't care" - (Journal Entry)

I’m listening to a very old song right now: “Your love's got me going around the world....” (Newsong)…

Yeah, somehow I doubt these people will EVER believe you….I have such small faith- yes, I believe you parted the Red Sea, I believe you healed the lame, and gave sight to the blind, but the hearts of these people living on all sides of me- they will never see you…

And you know what- do I even care? I want to go home right now, but how can I be so heartless and not care if they spend eternity with you? Somehow, right now, in this moment, I just don’t care.

And yet, what if you said that about me? What if you said, “Oh, Elizabeth, I don’t really care about her, maybe she can find another way, maybe someone else will come along, she’s too stubborn, and not worth my time and my love- what will she do with it anyway? No, I’d rather spend time at home with my Father, in a comfortable place where I know the language and customs and don’t have to work hard. Yeah, I’ll just leave Elizabeth- I don’t really care."

And yet you didn’t say that- did you even feel that way at all? I think you did, you asked that “the cup” be taken from you…you didn’t want to go through it, in that moment you did feel how I feel right now…you felt like you’d rather be home than in the place where you were.

I guess this is a bit of what Pastor Strumbeck was talking about when he wrote to me about getting to the point of really not wanting to be in a place, but persevering because you know it's for His Glory ultimately, and it's because of HIM that you stay and press on - not because of the people, not because of your own strength...but because of Him. When that happens, you know you've truly arrived at embracing that kind of life.