I cried in my meeting tonight with Robin. We decided some future stories to do- i.e. who will work on them, and I said, "I can’t say right now what Grace will do or will not do...she mayn ot be able to help us anymore."
I made a comment about myself not wanting to do anymore stories, and how we laugh and joke about having to change one thing in the stories, but I’m not laughing or joking about it anymore, I’m sick of it. Then I started crying. It was good, actually. I told her how much I’ve cried the past 4-5 days, and really want to just do what’s right and what’s next, but can’t figure it out. And, how even walking up from the post-office today, just thinking how I should have joy in this work, I should be happy, I should be excited to be here…but saying that, and knowing that, and actually having joy, being excited are very different things….
She then said something profound… “Someone once told me that sometimes you have to choose not listen to your feelings…and just go on what you know is right.”
Funny, I know we've talked about this before, when she was trusting her feelings more. She also said, “Someone also said that if you’re at a party and really not having a good time, if you pretend, kind-of that you are…you may find yourself actually enjoying it after a while.”
What she said is right…and true…and good…does it make it easier? Not really…
The worst thing about feeling this way (that is, basically feeling like quitting), is that I know the Enemy LOVES it…and wants me to feel this way. And I hate giving him that pleasure. I want to enjoy work, I want to please my Father, I want to do the right thing…I want to have joy. Just knowing that I should have joy and should praise Him…doesn’t get the work done that I see needs to be done…
I did tell Robin at one point: “You asked me last night what you could do to help me, and afterwards I thought about it and I did think of something you could do to help me…you can verbally encourage me, and tell me I’m doing a good job." I told her, "My dad often comes to my mom and says, “Just tell me I’m doing the right thing…” and that’s how I feel right now, I think I’ve been wanting to hear that from you, and yet haven’t- and I know that it seems silly to you to say that…but I think it would REALLY help me to hear it from you…and not that everything would be fine after that, but I can tell you things would be much better…
Oh Father…thank you for your faithfulness…thank you for your goodness…thank you for keeping me in your care in spite of my ungratefulness and unsatisfaction with this work…
No comments:
Post a Comment