"Let my Lifesong sing to you..." (Journal Entry)

"Let my lifesong sing to you…”
"Lord, I give my life. A living sacrifice
To reach a world in need. To be your hands and feet
So may the words I say, and the things I do.
Make my lifesong sing, bring a smile to you."

“All you do, should be done for the Lord…even down to making copies of books…” (Mommy)

Father, is this what you are teaching me- or have been teaching me over this past year? That my life should be completely in your hands, completely surrendered to you, and all I say and do- should be FOR YOU.

In high school, and college and still today- other people’s approval of me is very important. I think. I mean, it seems strange, when here, in this country- I really don’t care that much what people think. I wear mismatched clothing, don’t wear any make-up, speak language with lots of mistakes. Somehow with Indians, it’s as if their approval doesn’t really matter? But then again, it does. I really love it when the make comments about how good my language is (even if it’s not really!), I enjoy hearing "oh you look like an Indian," or how I’m “strong” and can eat the food…or whatever. It’s little things, but I soak it in. Part of that is that my “love language” being words of affirmation.

I think until coming here, I thought each thing I did in my life was, yes, for God- but also for someone else- someone who could verbally or in other ways tell me I did a good job.

After coming here, I realized I wasn’t getting that “praise” as much. That is for various reasons, but in general, I think it has helped me to not become as “dependent” on the praise and approval of others. I have to continue doing work, in spite of not hearing thanks or praise.

I think the idea of living my life completely for God fits into this idea of the approval of others nicely. I have been living my life for God, but also for others…meaning for the approval of others. It’s like even when I’ve been doing God’s work, I have still been looking for the approval and recognition of others. I have not been content with God’s approval of me. And isn’t His the one that matters most of all? Who cares what other people say or think anyway? Now, I know there is a balance- God can use other people to help us- and I realize that…and I certainly do take their advice…but perhaps I take it as THEIR advice only, and even then, I don't always acknowledge that it was/is God speaking to me through them?

Anyway, Barry and Linda gave us a little packet of stuff to reflect on and write some thoughts…Here is some of what I’ve written…

How has God worked in your life…How has he been teaching you, guiding you, leading and encouraging you?
- through other people
o High school: youth pastor and wife, friends - Andrew and Jason- their enthusiasm for the Lord and M work encouraged me and caused me to read more and get more interested
o Today: through one-story teams…hearing from those who are really excited about his work and who are motivated to do His work no matter what the costs. Willing to go to the extreme to get the work done.
- through my mom

I'm realizing that I really do seek the approval of others. It’s not just my “love language” in that I need affirmation to feel loved, but I think I look for it when I shouldn’t or maybe I expect it unnecessarily. I need to realize that God has already given His approval- and that that’s all I really need….

What has God been saying to you as you’ve filled out this worksheet…
- My whole life should be lived for Him (not for anyone else!)
- Casting Crowns songs: “Life song” and “Life of Praise”
- Quote from Mommy several months ago- about doing everything for the Lord…
- Psalm 16:5-6
- Ex. 23:28-30

What implications does this have for the passage/transition that you are currently experiencing?
- realizing everything I own is HIS- thus it should be shared freely with others
- Realizing that my attitude SHOULD reflect the attitude of Jesus—willing to give in when needed, and stand firm when needed. As Greg Baker once said, “Give in when you can, and stand firm when you have to.” I forget exactly what that was in reference to, but it fits here.

What implications does this have for the future?
- Applying these things to my life, and partner, and housemate.
- Communication in a godly manner and with an attitude that pleases the Lord- even if it doesn’t ‘please’ the other person for whatever reason.
- Do not be afraid to follow God to the extent He has called me – even if it means feeling the “disapproval” of others.
- Who am I more afraid of – God or others?
- Who am I following? Who do I think about when making decisions? (I can/should consider how it will affect others, but it should be first and foremost what God wants…not what others would think or say, or what would their opinion of me might be?)

Wow- this is really hard for me….But it seems so simple. Isn’t God’s love and approval enough for me? It should be.

What about loving others even when they don't love me? Do I want to do that? Not usually, what good is doing something if there is no benefit in it for me?! Wow...well, then why did I sign up for two years of serving the Lord in this crazy place, huh? There is not real “benefit” for me in that! Wow....no, those are selfish thoughts again- is that my motivation- only to receive something back? No, by His grace, I don’t think it is, but sometimes that comes out…Father forgive me for these thoughts and attitudes. Give me a heart that wants to serve you SO MUCH, that I can’t help but overflow with love for others- and love in the way that they need to be loved…

Help me to continue to process these things which you have revealed to me this morning…I love you Jesus.